June 8, 2012

"Whatta Load" at Home Depot

So, I was in the outdoor section of Home Depot the other day (I start a lot of my blog entries as if I'm telling a joke), but for those who know me... it IS a joke that this city guy is actually living in suburbia. I have learned to laugh at myself a lot & would like to share this with you.

Okay, so like I was saying, I was at the outdoor section of Home Depot & was strolling leisurely looking at the plants & flowers. There are a lot of birds & they are not the cute little chirping birds - they are prehistoric killers! They are big, loud & frightening. (Oh, did I say I have a phobia with birds?) Minor detail, but yes I have a phobia with birds. Okay, breathe & focus on the pretty flowers. I am bigger than the birds. I will be brave & overcome this fear. La-de-da here I am admiring the flowers when BAM!!! A bird swooped down & smacked me on the back of my head. I screamed, left the cart & ran inside.

I find my husband in the store & tell him what happened. Of course he laughs & says go back outside & get the cart so we can leave. I tell him "NO WAY"-  you get the cart. He wants to leave, so he goes outside & I unwillingly follow behind him watching the birds circle for their next victim. As he gets the cart & makes his way back to the inside of the store, WAIT FOR IT... a bird swoops down & smacks him!!! Hahahhaaa, I am hysterical, coz he didn't believe me & now it happened to him. OMG, I think I just wet myself thinking about it! Sorry, too much information.

As if the entire scenario so far is not enough reason for a double martini, I gather myself inside as we look at one final item. BTW,  I am wearing an off white jacket, off white jeans & a white tee shirt. We are in the aisle finishing up our browsing & I begin to hear some action above us. You got it, there are more birds INSIDE! Really? WTF??? I cannot believe it. Okay, okay, so I take a few steps back to look at the selection on the shelf & just as I moved backward two steps, this really loud disgusting plop lands where I was standing & just missed me. Get it? This big bad bird was aiming his business at me & would've gotten his target had I not moved. It was a large & loud load - I didn't think that could come out of a bird! Two of the store clerks asked if we were okay & said that they never saw or heard anything like that before... they couldn't believe what a dump! We left the store after finally catching our breath & trying to gather my last bit of dignity.

For me, Home Depot will never be the same & I think of it every time I shop at the store. City boy confronting fears? Sounds like a load of sh** to me. And yes, I had a double martini when I got home.

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