October 30, 2014

Boo... Scary in Suburbia

Trick or treat? It's that time of year again. It's Halloween and for me it's scary in Suburbia.


Living in the country (okay Suburbia for me is the country) being surrounded by nature may sound and look beautiful to many people. I think it is too, for a day or for a weekend visit, but living there is another story. The birds, the squirrels, the lizards, the crickets, the deer drive me to drink... well any excuse for a cocktail. I'm a city guy and even the quiet can be deafening to me.


I have tried many times to embrace the moment and remind myself that this is not forever. I try to use my Yoga training and tell myself to be mindful. Listen to my breath. Smell the eucalyptus trees. Feel the earth supporting me. Who am I kidding... that only lasts for ten minutes!


The other day before breakfast I walked out to the front garden and looked at the flowers and enjoyed the beauty surrounding me. Boo! Suddenly a family of squirrels jumped from the tree in my garden and circled around me as I screamed and ran back into the house. Deep breaths, this is my garden not theirs. I was determined not to let these pesky rodents get the best of me. I headed back outside with an attitude and a water spray bottle! I'll show them, besides I had to get the newspaper still laying in the driveway. As I opened the garden gate, I looked up and saw the oak tree full of crows. I'm thinking Hitchcock... deep breath again. I can do this, I still have my "ammunition". Boo! Just as I picked up the paper a big crow swooped right down over my head and I almost fell on my face. What the hell is going on here? This is not relaxing, this is not beautiful, this is not my world.


I know all these so called "lovely" creatures have a plan to get this city guy out of their neck of the woods. They want my ruby red sneakers and they want my annoying ass out of here quicker than I'm able to click my heels. I don't need a house to drop on me, I can tell where I'm not wanted... for me it's scary in Suburbia. There may not be lions or tigers or bears, but it feels like the Witch's Haunted Forest. Like the sign says "I'd turn back if I were you." Boo!

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October 14, 2014

Aloha from Suburbia

I was out having dinner and it was rather early (for me) and the restaurant was already full. But then again it was Friday night in Suburbia. This is usually "happy hour", but to each his own as I enjoyed my first glass of wine.

As I looked around the restaurant I noticed something very odd. All of the tables had at least one person wearing a Hawaiian shirt. WTF? So many oversized shirts in predictable patterns and bland colors. It looked like the employees from TraderJoes were having a company party. I started craving Joe Joe's candy cane cookies and wanted to ask one of them why they weren't available year round. 

Dressing up in Suburban California means wearing a Hawaiin shirt. It's a whole different mindset than NYC where a vintage Hawaiian shirt would be retro and fun... but not taken seriously. Aloha from Suburbia! Glad to see that a SF Giants or 49ers tee is nowhere in sight, and I applaud that. I wanted to take a photo of the restaurant because I couldn't believe it. It felt like being at a luau, after all it was the entire restaurant wearing Hawaiian shirts - not just a few tables. Was this The Twilight Zone?

After a few glasses of wine, I realized my fashion sense may not be appreciated in these parts as all the floral patterns faded to the background like a camouflage backdrop. I decided then and there that I gotta find myself an attractive, hip Hawaiian shirt. It's gotta be out there... somewhere. Maybe I should go to Kohl's or Tommy Bahama's so I could join the ranks of the Suburban Hawaiian Shirt Militia? Well there's a great sale at H&M and there's always Kenneth Cole. What am I talking about?  I forgot. I bought a fun, fitted retro Hawaiian shirt in NYC at Forever 21 (see photo) during my last trip. Now if I can only find my fanny pack...

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October 1, 2014

What Do You Do... When Your Therapist Moves?

Is this the Universe telling me to get outta town, or in my case - Suburbia? My therapist is moving! She's leaving! WTF? Who do I talk to now? Guess I gotta go back to talking to myself again.

My first thought (when she told me she was going) was that she didn't want me as a patient anymore. Maybe she was using the "I'm moving" as an excuse. What am I saying? That sounds really pathetic. She wouldn't do that... or would she? My neurosis is starting to get out of control. It's hard to focus with all these voices in my head.

Have I become one of those people who say "I gotta talk to my therapist" or always make references about therapy? Oh crap, that is me. Well I'm proud of the fact that I'm able to acknowledge I have problems and want to work on them. But now, with who? My therapist is deserting me and I'm being abandoned! WTF? Here's the zinger though, not only is she leaving... she's moving to NYC. That was like a knife through my heart. How could she move to NYC before me? How dare she! She knows how much I need to move back to NYC. She must know I can't maintain my style, sense or sanity (or what's left of it) in Suburbia without her. But like the song says "I Will Survive".

So what do you do when your therapist moves? I don't know about you, but for me this was the last straw. Maybe she relocated to light a fire under my ass and get me moving. Yeah, that's it! Thank you doctor. I took out my luggage and got the New York Times Real Estate section. The answer for me is clear... "Gotta Move".

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