nyc2vin: September 2015

September 30, 2015

Whose Bed Is It Anyway?

My blog is called nyc2suburbia (sometimes I enjoy stating the obvious). I'm a native New Yorker that moved to Suburbia in Northern California. There were many reasons why I made that decision at the time, it all seemed good on paper, but it was the wrong decision for me. It was one of the things that I did in my life that I regret. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know everything happens for a reason... bullshit! It was an emotional decision and I'll never make another big decision like that based on my emotions. My inner self knew better, but I ignored my natural intuition.

The point to this post is that I travel back and forth to NYC a lot. I do this for my sanity, but since Mama passed, I realize more than ever that I gotta move back "home". I've made many trips apartment searching and I've come close so many times but always get a "NO". It's so frustrating that I'm almost ready to give up the search for a studio apartment in NY! How's this for a great pitch for a new HGTV show... create a show with average people searching for a studio apartment in the city. We all don't have an unlimited budget with a million things on the checklist. Some of us can even live without that indoor swimming pool or that fourth bedroom used only on the annual family holiday get together. Bitter, not really... pissed, you bet your ass!

I'm on a plane again exhausted and not in a great mood. It's been another challenging trip of hearing "no, no, no" in NY from agents, landlords and God (better known as "The Board" in Co-op buildings). I'm feeling defeated, down and depressed on my flight back to the land of eternal highways in Suburbia. I'm able to meditate and finally doze off for awhile with a little help from some Xanax. Suddenly there's some turbulence and I wake up not knowing where the hell I was going... New York? Suburbia? Which friends apartment was I going to or coming from? Was I going home? Where the hell is home anyway? Whose bed am I in now?

Pheww, it took me a few minutes to get my shit together... breathe... think good thoughts... try to relax again. I thank God and American Airlines for all the reward miles that allow me to travel. But my frequent flyer mileage account is running low (along with my patience) and I fear the welcome mats at my friends are probably wearing thin. Relaxed, I fall back to sleep one more time and dream that I'm on that new HGTV! You know, the one about an average guy finding his simple NY studio and getting his dream of moving back home. Fadeout yellow brick road... "Oh Auntie Em"!

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September 13, 2015

Moving On - My Suburbia , My NYC

There are many levels of letting go and I thought at this point that I went through most of them. But I realize that I'm the kind of person that holds onto "things" for way too long. Not only do I hold on to physical things (I still have my high school gym shorts and yes, I still fit into them), I hold on to my feelings (sometimes I can't let things go - I can forgive, but I never forget) and I hold on to my memories. I've talked about this with my therapist (big shocker) and thought maybe this could be connected to my mother's Alzheimer's and my fear of getting it.

I've been trying to reach another level of "letting go" as I continue to "move on", but it ain't easy. Since I've been relentlessly working to move back home to NYC, I've realized I can't bring back all of my stuff. My boxes, my "things" are filled with feelings and memories. The reality is that space in NYC is smaller and I need to let go. All this "stuff" is holding me back... WTF? I thought nothing can hold me back.

When I moved to Suburbia I brought all of my NYC stuff with me. Everything I had in storage, all of my things, all of my feelings, all of my memories, all of my expectations... all of what I thought was me! I didn't "let go". Maybe that's why it's been such a tough transition, I never let go. (Wow I've reached an Oprah "A-Ha" moment)!

For me, it's natural to hold on and to not let go. But hopefully I can pack my memories with me and move forward and let go keeping my NYC and my Suburbia. And maybe, just maybe I can leave some excess baggage behind and finally let go by just being me!