December 31, 2011

Letting Go

Letting go is hard for me & probably for you, so I thought it may be an appropriate topic as my final blog entry for the year. How do we "let go" of things? What exactly is "letting go"? And is it really that hard to "let go"Wow, lots of questions & a bit heavy.

As for me, I feel like a pit bull at times coz I don't "let go" of things... a thought, a problem, a grudge. Other times I'm like an elephant that never forgets. I may forgive to a degree, but I never forget. I have issues, we ALL have issues! I wish I had the ability to "let go" of all the negative crap & just "let it go", but it's a process - a long, challenging process. Even with my Yoga study & practice, I still have these problems... although they had no problems with letting me go! Oooops, there I go again - "let it go". Breathe in the positive & exhale the negative.

"Letting go" is also purging & getting rid of stuff... becoming detached from "things". That is also challenging for me coz I am so connected to my things & the memories that are attached to them. Perhaps its because my mother has dementia & I wanna hold onto my memories for as long as I can? Who knows, but hey...this is not my therapy session!

Then there's the final "letting go". I remember being there for my father & also for my mother-in-laws last minutes in this world. That was very difficult, but I am proud that I was able to be there & help them "let go".

Of course you know by now I've been at war with myself with my "letting go" process of leaving my home in NYC. I am sure many can relate to the "letting go" of the familiar. I guess my point is "letting go" is challenging & I could go on with my "letting go" theories & stories, but for now I shall just "let it go" and breathe... 

Thank you all for a great year & for visiting my blog. Please feel free to leave your comments. Whattya waitin' for? Please spread the word about my blog & "Follow" me already... Here's to an even more fabulous, positive New Year with lots of new beginnings for all of us!

December 22, 2011

Where Do I Go?

I feel as if I don't fit in anywhere anymore... Suburbia OR NYC! Where do I go? A great poignant song from "Hair" the Musical (which I toured with in Europe) still rings true to me. Where do I go? I like it here in Suburbia... to a point, but I feel trapped & unable to get around. I get lost & cannot find my bearings. It's not funny, I get lost easily. I have a very poor sense of direction - I always have. I have gotten lost in malls, in restaurants looking for the bathroom, in parking lots... seriously! It just ain't right. I have panic attacks & a daily dose of anxiety that can immobilize me. Suburbia is a nice place to visit... but somehow it still ain't my home. Where do I go?

Whenever I return to NYC, I'm afraid that it may not live up to my expectations & constant yearning to move back, because to me... it IS Oz! Could it be I am becoming a closeted Suburbanite! WTF? Where do I go? I dunno. Will the sound of the early morning garbage & delivery trucks annoy me or the people walking a slew of dogs or the baby strollers that are overtaking NYC sidewalks? Where do I go? I dunno! I feel as if I almost don't "fit" or "belong" in either place anymore. I return to NYC as often as possible... for my sanity! (No comments please). It takes awhile to readjust when returning to Suburbia, but there is no readjustment period when returning to NYC... I'm alive, full of energy & I know where the hell I am going!

Some say you can never go back home. That infuriates me & makes me wanna do it all the more! But whaddya do? Where do you go? I ask myself this question daily... a lot! I dunno, ..."but I'm not staying in burlesque, I'm moving. Maybe up, maybe down..." (BTW, that's a line from "Gypsy") coz my life IS  a movie (at least in my mind). It's not always a "Cabaret" but it's not gonna be "Lady Sings the Blues".

I will continue to question things daily & hopefully one day make peace & know where it is that I'm going. To me, it may be just knowing that I can walk outside my apartment & go to a store at midnight to get some ice cream while actually seeing people on the street. Sounds yummy to me!

Thanks again for visiting my blog & please feel free to leave your comments.Whattya waitin' for? I'm looking forward to hearing from you soon. Please spread the word about my blog & "Follow" me already...