December 22, 2011

Where Do I Go?

I feel as if I don't fit in anywhere anymore... Suburbia OR NYC! Where do I go? A great poignant song from "Hair" the Musical (which I toured with in Europe) still rings true to me. Where do I go? I like it here in Suburbia... to a point, but I feel trapped & unable to get around. I get lost & cannot find my bearings. It's not funny, I get lost easily. I have a very poor sense of direction - I always have. I have gotten lost in malls, in restaurants looking for the bathroom, in parking lots... seriously! It just ain't right. I have panic attacks & a daily dose of anxiety that can immobilize me. Suburbia is a nice place to visit... but somehow it still ain't my home. Where do I go?

Whenever I return to NYC, I'm afraid that it may not live up to my expectations & constant yearning to move back, because to me... it IS Oz! Could it be I am becoming a closeted Suburbanite! WTF? Where do I go? I dunno. Will the sound of the early morning garbage & delivery trucks annoy me or the people walking a slew of dogs or the baby strollers that are overtaking NYC sidewalks? Where do I go? I dunno! I feel as if I almost don't "fit" or "belong" in either place anymore. I return to NYC as often as possible... for my sanity! (No comments please). It takes awhile to readjust when returning to Suburbia, but there is no readjustment period when returning to NYC... I'm alive, full of energy & I know where the hell I am going!

Some say you can never go back home. That infuriates me & makes me wanna do it all the more! But whaddya do? Where do you go? I ask myself this question daily... a lot! I dunno, ..."but I'm not staying in burlesque, I'm moving. Maybe up, maybe down..." (BTW, that's a line from "Gypsy") coz my life IS  a movie (at least in my mind). It's not always a "Cabaret" but it's not gonna be "Lady Sings the Blues".

I will continue to question things daily & hopefully one day make peace & know where it is that I'm going. To me, it may be just knowing that I can walk outside my apartment & go to a store at midnight to get some ice cream while actually seeing people on the street. Sounds yummy to me!

Thanks again for visiting my blog & please feel free to leave your comments.Whattya waitin' for? I'm looking forward to hearing from you soon. Please spread the word about my blog & "Follow" me already...


  1. Ohhhh, boo hoo! You are so lucky to be able to go back and forth to two wonderful places. Count your blessings and be thankful.
    And do MORE writing - I really enjoy it. Would like to read more of your journey. Many blessings in the New Year.

  2. Such an ACTRESS.....You know where you belong:)