December 19, 2013

A Christmas Dream or Nightmare? Ho, Ho, Ho

Ho, Ho, Ho... the mere phrase gets me anxious. What if all your past, present and future Christmases were all rolled into one? Imagine the classic "A Christmas Carol" with a different twist! They'd all mesh together changing gears at any moment. You wouldn't know what, where or who you were suppose to be. You're in a dreamlike state with heightened overtones that could turn into a nightmare. Did Christmas already happen, is it happening now, will it be happening soon? Will it start over again and again like in "Groundhog Day"? Only with very slow movements and distorted sounds - almost like being under water. But I don't swim. Oh no it's starting - tick, tock, tick tock. The dream begins...

My heart races just thinking about Christmas. Anxiety, worry, anticipation, check lists, family, obligations, shopping, gifts, overeating, commercials, stressful, frenetic, frustrating, nonstop, black friday, cyber monday, returns, bills, happy, sad. Stop the insanity please!

I keep layering my anxiety by adding people I don't want to be with or can't relate to. Annoying strangers enter the party as the crowd thickens and I start to loose my composure and my breath. I have trouble breathing now and become off balanced and dizzy. 

The food has been demolished, there are no working bathrooms, the coats are nowhere to be found and there's another party where I am the guest of honor, but I'm late and look like hell. What do I do? Where do I go? I'm lost. Can anyone hear me? Are words coming out of my mouth? Can anyone help me? I try to focus on my breathing, my breathing, my breathing. All of a sudden the entire room begins to copy me and they are breathing wildly taking up all the oxygen. Why is this all happening to me on this special night? I just want this nightmare to end and start a fresh new day. But then the roof collapses and some of the guests get hit by the gigantic snowflake decorations, while others start to faint from hyperventilating. This is not a time to celebrate but they're all laughing! Where are the happy colors? Is this my vision of lollipops dancing in my head? We're all trapped and can't escape, but there has to be some hope, right? A downpour begins and there's a large hole in the main room where the water is quickly rising and becoming scary. Everyone appears catatonic or bored except for me as the christmas music gets louder and louder repeating endlessly.

I scream out for help and wake up terrified in my soaking wet pajamas. Where am I? Thank God it was only a nightmare and thank God it's December 26th. Enough with the Ho, Ho, Ho... at least for this year!

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