Grieving Ain't Just 4 Dying

Recently I've learned that the philosophy behind grieving is that it's "a normal reaction to a loss". At least that's what "they" say in my book about grieving.

You may know from my other blog (Dementia-Mama-Drama) I'm going through the grieving process with Mama & her rapid decline - she has Dementia & Myelodysplasia.

I've realized that since moving to Suburbia, grieving ain't just for dying. I finally understand that I've been going through another kind of grief, the grief of leaving my city, NYC. I now see the common thread of holding on & letting go, whether it's someone or somewhere that you love dearly. I just gotta take it one day at a time & try to deal with it as best as I can.

Mama & I always speak of "going home" & I realize they're two totally different, yet comforting & loving places. For her, it's "somewhere over the rainbow" & for me it's returning to my rainbow... NYC.

I thought for this entry I'd write less & share more through my photos of NYC vs Suburbia. After all, a picture is worth a thousand words, so I'll let my photos do the talking.

If you receive the blog through email you may be unable to view the video, so here's the YouTube link http://youtu.be/IvleCZM2LIE

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nyc 2 suburbia - Whatta Trip & Whatta Year

Looking over this years blog entries, I asked myself who the hell am I & what am I writing about? Does it make any sense? Does it flow? What is my voice? What is my brand? "Enough is Enough" already... "I Am What I Am". Hmmm, sounds like very familiar songs! I write about things that are going on in my life or things that affect me. It started to make sense because after all, we're all a work in progress, right? It makes sense to me coz its coming from me, I just wanna help you understand where I'm coming from. You already know that I'm from NYC & am living in Suburbia now, right? Good!

In January, I wrote about Joplin, in February about Whitney, in March it was about my Mama meeting Liza, in April it was Barbra's 70th birthday & about me meeting her. Recently I explained to you that I write two blogs, (the other one is Dementia-Mama-Drama) about another strong lady in my life, my Mama who has Dementia & Leukemia. Oh, okay, so one theme is that I wrote about strong women. I've shared stories about my neurosis including how I don't like the "relaxing natural setting" of Suburbia & that I'm terrified of wildlife. I know I don't live in the jungle, but coming from the city, it IS wildlife to me! I shared my experience about being bullied in Suburbia & how it doesn't only happen to kids! I was also able to finally share my experience about living thru 9/11 in NYC. I was excited to be asked to be a guest blogger & interviewer at The Women's Power Strategy Conference (strong women once again) & wrote about it. This year I was published in a book commemorating Streisand's fifty years in show biz called "Barbra Memories". About time I was published, right? Well, that's who I was in 2012...

I'm one of those people who doesn't like to say "next year has gotta be better." Shit happens & great things happen - without one I may not be able to enjoy the other. It's all a balance, a Yin/Yang thing. I've learned a lot about myself within the last year & hope to learn even more next year, "That's Life." Oy another song reference, sorry. nyc2suburbia - whatta trip & whatta year! Thanks for taking the time to be part of my journey & letting me share it with you. I wish you a positively perfect 2013.

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Suburbia & Dementia - Trying to Keep My Balance While Falling Apart

The journey from nyc2suburbia is not only about my journey. There are two others that have made the move ~ my husband & Mama. For those of you who may not know, I've been writing two blogs for the last few years. Both blogs are very different although there is a consistency to them, after all I'm not totally schizo. It can be challenging, but it allows me to share both sides of my world & I enjoy the diversity of both blogs.

When I first started writing nyc2suburbia, it was intended to be my outlet. I wanted to share my transition of moving from NYC across the country to living in Suburbia. My husband & I also brought my mother with us to Suburbia & continue to be her caregivers. There were many reasons which led to our decision to move from NYC. A big one was that Mama's nursing home was closing, so we decided we'd all move out to Suburbia & live happily ever after... that's the "Movie" version. Mama & I are from NYC & my husband is originally from the town that we moved to in Suburbia. But he considers himself a New Yorker after living there for many years.

Shortly after moving to Suburbia, I started blogging about it. A year later we had an unexpected birth & another blog was born Dementia-Mama-Drama. It's about our journey with Mama (who has Dementia) but with a humorous twist. After all, ya gotta make the best of a bad situation & laughter can be the best "medicine" - along with therapy & medication! We wanted to show how Dementia can be humorous & how we deal with it on a daily basis. Our blog has become a form of therapy for the three of us along with helping to bring awareness to Alzheimer's, Dementia & Caregivers. The Alzheimer's Association has even invited me to guest blog for them this year & has shared many videos of Mama. Mama loves the attention from the blog & the fact that people are reading about her. We've actually created a MONSTER!!! She looks forward to singing on camera & answering our questions, it's become our nightly ritual. We share many of our photos, conversations & her videos on our blog & YouTube ~ she's the Multi-Media-Mama!

Below is a video we put together showing us leaving NYC & arriving in Suburbia. If you're unable to view it, the YouTube link is http://youtu.be/cXfnPpzPe0U

On both blogs, I may sometimes write about overlapping themes & situations (like I said I'm not totally schizo.) Plus it can show two different perspectives on a similar situation. When I was finally able to write about my experience with 9/11 on one blog, I also wrote about Mama's perception of 9/11 on the other blog. 

Then there are similarities ... between Mama & me! Oh, did I just say that? Yep... & there's proof (big groan). Since moving to Suburbia my mantra has been "I wanna go home." Mama has been saying "I wanna go home" for years, but that is pretty common for Dementia patients. Does this mean I am headed down the same road or just the fact that "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?" Oy, questions, questions & more questions.

Whatever the answer, every day continues to be an emotional roller coaster ride for me. I am trying to make the most out of Suburbia by holding onto my sanity, sense & style while being a caregiver for Dementia Mama Drama. Did I hear the word martini? Or maybe it was chocolate? Or maybe it was breathe? Well, ya gotta do whatcha gotta do. It's been a tough adjustment for me & I am very vocal about it... just like Mama has always been vocal about her feelings.

As I mentioned, Mama & I have always been very similar, which can be pretty scary - especially for my husband! We are both night owls, we love singing, we love musicals, we're very impatient & neurotic, we're obsessed with food & we love to curse. Unfortunately we both share the need to be surrounded by family & friends which has probably been the most disappointing & depressing thing about moving to Suburbia.

Mama hates the isolation & lack of activity at the nursing home. I hate the isolation & lack of activity in Suburban life, so once again we are "two peas in a pod." But we're all getting through the drama one day at a time... by singing, eating, playing cards, exercising & enjoying our time together forming an even closer bond. Okay, that's the "Movie" version again, somedays it's just really difficult & that's my reality. But my reality also includes the patience of my husband who gets entertained & sometimes overwhelmed by the two of us... we are a handful! Writing BOTH blogs has been very therapeutic & I'm so glad we're able to show people that we're all in this together. 

The list of similarities goes on, the drama continues, but I'll end this post for now & you can continue to follow either OR both blogs: nyc2suburbia & Dementia-Mama-Drama. Thanks for your time & your comments are always appreciated... it really helps! For me, two blogs are better than one!

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Back 2 NYC / Back 2 Brooklyn

People say that you can never go home again. Well, maybe "Some People... but some people ain't me " & they ain't Barbra Streisand either! We both returned "home" this month.

I return to NYC as often as my frequent flyer miles allow or whenever friends offer us their apartment. It helps keep me sane, almost like I'm living bicoastal instead of living bipolar in Suburbia!!!

Whenever I return home to NYC, I get anxious that maybe I'm not going to "fit in" anymore. Perhaps I may have lost my "street smarts", ya know my "swagger", my New York rhythm & attitude. I am sooo happy to say that it hasn't happened yet - I still got it... and so does Barbra!

I have never been to a Streisand concert & even though I am not a fanatic, I'm still a fan. It was an extremely emotional night for me. Who wouldda thunk? After all, I did meet her & that was a "one on one" experience, but this was a totally different feeling. She was actually singing live! OMG, she still has some "set of pipes" to quote my mother. Being surrounded by her fans & hearing the songs that have always been a part of my life was almost too much to handle, Oy vey! Such a magical event. 

We also came back to NYC because a story I wrote about meeting Barbra was included in a new book "Barbra Memories" by Ally Waldman. It coincided with Barbra's Brooklyn concerts & commemorates her 50 years in show biz. Of course we went to the book signing & took a photo with Ally & met so many great people.

The skinny girl with a big nose from Brooklyn & the fat boy with big eyes from da Bronx both returned Home. The Brooklyn girl, the Bronx boy... but like I always say, the Bronx, Brooklyn, Jewish, Italian... it's all the same in NYC.

The day after the concert, while buying some bottled water, green juice & yogurt at Trader Joe's, a worker asked if I was a tourist. I asked her why she would say that & she said because I was smiling, happy & relaxed. It caught me by surprise & I started to laugh. I said... No, it's because I'm home! And ..." everything's as if we've never said goodbye..."

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Bullied in the Burbs

Bullying is a very hot topic right now. There are many anti-bullying groups out there & I think that's great! However, I'm from NYC & I grew up learning how to deal with bullies - that's just how it was. Maybe it wasn't healthy, but I learned many coping skills & defense mechanisms to survive. I'm sure it screwed me up in many ways, but how many totally well adjusted people do you know?

This is not a "poor me" story, just the truth... my truth. I was bullied for many reasons over the years as I was growing up. I survived it THEN, it was just another painful part of growing up. I never even considered NOT surviving it. But being bullied NOW at my age is a whole different story.

I could not believe this happened to me out here in calm, perfect, beautiful Suburbia - but it did! As my husband & I were driving into the mall (okay, it IS Suburbia after all) a crazy hyped up young woman cut in front of our car, jammed on her breaks & yelled a bunch of hateful remarks. She was driving alongside us for awhile...

The Bully: "Why were you two guys staring at each other instead of the road? Or did you have to look at your disco ball & watch it shine?" (We have a disco ball hanging from our rear view mirror.) "That's what I HATE about people like you."

Me: "People like me? What are you saying?"

The Bully: "All you fags are the same. That's why I hate you all... with your disco balls & your fancy cars!" (BTW, we have a '99 Toyota - the disco ball is as fancy as it gets.)

Me: "Really? So you're telling me you hate ALL Gay people because WE are ALL the same, we LOOK at each other & we have a DISCO BALL? "

All the rage I held down since I was a child started to come out (unlike me who was always out.) I was NOT going to have someone else speak to me or my husband in this mean hateful way. I knew I should realize where this was coming from (a crazy person) & I should forgive & blah, blah, blah - more PC BS. But that ain't my style & it'll probably never be my style. PC is boring & bland... it lacks balls!

Me: "What the hell are you talking about you crazy bitch? I think you have a serious problem & you better get the f**k outta here NOW, before I call a police & report you. You AND your hateful, bigoted, small town attitude. I'll have your skinny crazy cracked out ass hauled down to the jail before you can even check your ugly face in a mirror which you obviously don't own. Who the f**k do you think you are? Are you for real?" 

Her response was that I had "nerdy shoes" & she sped off as I started to call the cops. (BTW, I have never had nerdy shoes, remember I'm Gay!)

I was shaking & could not believe this happened. I cried & all those childhood memories returned. Phewwww! I finally let it out (actually, I did hold back - believe it or not.) I was surprised I had so much anger built up. I guess it was all those years of being teased about my weight, about being Gay, about dressing differently, about not playing sports, about not having girlfriends, about being different. The list goes on, but that's life... you deal with it. 

Maybe NYC gets such a bad rap because most of us are just protecting our inner child & appear tough. Who knows, it's just a theory. But that's exactly what I did in my response to this bully. For me, a lot of my repressed feelings finally exploded outta my mouth while living here in Suburbia. In Suburbia, the one place I thought was suppose to be totally cool with anything, ya know "laid back, mellow" - it IS California after all. BS! Hate IS hate & can be found anywhere & at any age. Hate always hurts & leaves scars. Hate is never acceptable.

My 9/11 Memory - NYC Coming Together After Being Ripped Apart

You can say what you want about New Yorkers (& many people do) but in bad times we stick together. We show what we are made of & our true colors shine! There are certain images you can never erase from your mind, the visual is forever frozen. That's how 9/11 was for me. I was watching the morning news on TV when I first heard about the attack. I ran upstairs to the roof to see what was going on since I had an unobstructed view of the towers. It was unclear what was happening, no one really knew yet. All I could see were the bright orange flames billowing out of the Twin Towers. At first, I thought it was orange tarp blowing in the air - no way could this be happening so close to my home. There were a few other people on the roof that morning, but we were all disbelieving quiet spectators not sure what to say or do. I took a few photos & ran downstairs to my apartment to get updates on the news as it unfolded. Nothing was making any sense to me, this is New York City - we are invincible!

I feel most people can be at their best during difficult times... especially New Yorkers. We became more close, more friendly & more caring toward each other than any other time I have ever experienced. We all rallied together, we are NYC, dammit! We were all highly emotional walking around with tears in our eyes & eager to help each other. Nobody was ignored, you felt this unifying energy... it was amazing! We were sharing the horrific fear of the unknown with each other - but we were all connected. People just stopped, talked & listened. It was amazing - coming together after being ripped apart. 

I remember all the missing people flyers posted on every street corner. I remember strangers asking if you knew anyone in the towers. I remember being asked to show my ID when crossing certain streets to prove I lived there. It was almost like being in a V.I.P club that you didn't want to be in! I remember being at my favorite Mexican restaurant that was around the corner from the West Village Firehouse. All the firefighters were taken from us - they were the first responders & our first heroes. To honor the firefighters, at 7 pm there was a prayer vigil. All of us in the entire restaurant gradually got up & walked to the firehouse - some with candles, others with Margaritas, some of us with both. We made a toast & said a prayer for those brave men. Powerful stuff like that you never forget. The intense feeling of community & caring... it surrounded us.

I remember walking down to the Hudson Highway night after night cheering the crews that drove down to help at Ground Zero. We showed our support by applauding, whistling & waving - some even with homemade signs of gratitude. We lined both sides of the highway & we were strong in numbers. I remember watching the vehicles heading downtown shiny & clean, while those returning uptown were covered in ash, debris & who knows what kind of toxic chemicals. I remember the smell of the terrible air, the sight of those ashes, the sound of the piercing alarms. I cry just recalling it... maybe that's why I've tried not to think or talk about it. It's difficult to face those feelings, but I remember, I was there!

I remember the caring & neighborhood feeling that I experienced during this time - it's almost what I miss most about NYC. I thought I may get the same feeling or even more by moving out to Suburbia. I haven't found it yet & I still miss my city. So you can say what you want about New Yorkers... I know firsthand & I remember. 

Not So Funny ... Girl, I Need People !

I was googling & stumbled on a piece of dialogue from "Funny Girl" about the differences in people & it got me thinking... uh oh!

Nick: I like to feel free.

Fanny: You can get lonesome being that free. 

Nick: You can get lonesome being that busy.

OMG, is there a difference between being free & feeling lonesome, or being busy & feeling lonesome? Hmmmm, you can be lonely anyplace. As for me, being free or being busy, I am lonely in Suburbia, but I never felt lonely in NYC. There's a difference between living a slow relaxed pace here & living a desolate life.

While living in NYC I was constantly surrounded with energy, something was always happening. Most locals were jaded by it all, but I was like a kid in a candy store that just thrived. I loved it... the crowds, the tall buildings, the Highline, the Hudson River Park, Central Park, Broadway Shows, the movies being filmed, the restaurants, the neighborhoods, the diversity!!! Ahhhhhh, LIFE! Cést si bon.

Anyway, I thought moving to Suburbia would be more relaxing for me & would be a change for the better. It turns out I was dead wrong... as in dead quiet... as in there aren't even sidewalks to roll up & forget about eating out after 8 pm. Okay, there are a few sidewalks, but hardly anyone walks on them. I miss walking on the sidewalks of NYC & the constant interaction with people. It's a car community here & they drive everywhere. There is a drive thru for everything from cleaners to fast food to pharmacies... They do "hike" out here, but they hardly ever walk! 

The relaxing vibe I thought I was looking for out in Suburbia has become my enemy. The morning crows that wake me are like a knife thru my heart... I prefer the occasional city car alarm going off. At least ya know someone is out there. The sound of a crowd of crazy crickets at night are more annoying to me than any sound of club music reverberating thru the neighborhood from a night club. Would you rather dance to J Lo in the background or crazy crickets trying to get laid?

The scenery in Suburbia is beautiful, but so was the view from our rooftop over the Hudson... even if the West view was the Jersey skyline, where the chemicals create intense lovely sunsets. So my point is that the grass may always be greener, but sometimes green is not what you need, perhaps it's just "People." And I am one of those people who need people.

" Kharma Could Bite You in the Ass " In Suburbia

This post is about Kharma, you know,"present actions determine their destiny for future existence" or "what goes around comes around". Or maybe it's just a theme in my life that keeps repeating until I learn the lesson? I dunno, anyway as you may remember from my last post I am a city child & was not exposed to many bugs or wildlife. (Okay, maybe a cockroach or two or some crazy "wildlife" on the subway). I never liked getting dirty & if I ever got food on my clothes I would change my entire outfit (well, some things never change).  

When I was living in NYC I was enrolled in a Yoga Teacher Training & Certification Program. One of the requirements needed to get my teaching degree was to go to a retreat at an Ashram in Upstate New York. It was only an hour away from NYC, but seemed like a world away to me. I was terrified of going for a long weekend to the country for the "natural" experience. The name of the Ashram meant "Bliss", but for me, it meant "Misery". I almost backed out at the last minute, but I was determined to conquer my fears & go with the flow. Haaa - famous last words!

I do not or cannot go to fancy five star resorts, but upon arriving at the Ashram I knew this was really, really rustic, with a capital R! It looked like a cliché - musty, dusty & way too funky! There were cobwebs, bugs, deer, geese, bear, no air conditioning, poor plumbing & shared bedrooms with shared baths! The schedule was early to bed, early to rise, lots of studying, training, teaching & helping with our Kharmic Yoga duties around the Ashram. The cafeteria style food was only Vegan (of course) which was served in a communal room near our cabins.

One day, we actually had one hour to ourselves after breakfast, so I darted back to the cabin to shower & try to compose myself. I also had to use the bathroom really bad! Walking alone hesitantly down the dirt path in the woods back towards the cabin, I noticed a large deer standing right at the front door blocking me. Oh shit... what was I gonna do? I looked around & also saw a baby deer nearby. Uh oh, I knew I was in trouble, so I hid behind a bush. I called a friend on my cell phone & asked for help - as if they could help me in the woods!!! (BTW, phones were NOT allowed for the entire retreat). After many failed attempts to get in that door by jingling my keys & making sounds, the deer casually made an exit. I charged into the cabin in a sweat, swearing I would never return to the country again. This is soooo NOT for me!

Fast forward & here I am living in Suburbia amongst wildlife being surrounded by all my fears! Am I a masochist or just a verrry slow learner? I shouldda learned from that experience that I am STILL not a country boy... maybe that was my lesson. Or maybe it's Kharma biting me in the ass, just like a goose bit me in the ass as a child when it tried to grab my Oreo. But that's another story!